WaNsApAnAtAyM

Im Moving ON...

2004-12-12T22:32:00.000-08:00

I hope I really am...
One things for sure Im moving .... I have a new Home...My new Blog...

the one before the last one...

2004-12-09T02:33:00.000-08:00

"There's always that one personThat will always have your heart..."
so goes the song and for the longest time I thought that my one person mentioned above is HIM..but lately, ever since we started talking again and after that "smack from the past" I sense that I start to feel less and less for him...love do fades...even lovers fall out of love in time so does unrequited love...In my case my eyes were suddenly opened to the fact that all I ever have with him is physical connection and the fact that Im close to her sister, there's no love, emotions involve on his part , it is rather meaningless and Im not into that...not anymore. I told my friend that id rather not have physical intimacy than have meaningless gestures from him...specially not from him.
maybe I got tired of waiting maybe I have fully accepted the fact that it doesn't matter anymore.Im not so sure...
Im reminded of a bus ride I had with a friend back when I was still job hunting and still hurting so much from the break up...she said that one day I'll wake up and feel that its all over that I'll be surprised but in a good way..I remember saying and feeling that its rather impossible as I feel so much for him..I dint see this possible at all...but right now I see it and I feel it...all it really needs is time.
Now Im starting to get used to the fact that I maybe over him...it seemed like my heart shut down as for the longest time I only know and feel of love through my love for him and now that its gone I seem to feel nothing...I guess its a lot of getting used to after holding on for a long time and now finally letting go , seems weird...being ok about it all seem rather new for me...
I feel like a big part of me is lost...but I rather lose that part of me that is forever hurting at the sight or smell of his perfume even if it means feeling numb and empty for some time. I reckon this must be a phase that each have to go through...I think thats why they call falling in love as magic as it makes you feel all those sorts of feelings that you wont normally feel when you are on your own no matter how happy you maybe for happiness can only be complete when you share it with someone...
What comes next for me now ? Im not sure... A new blog w/c Im currently working on ... but whatever it is I ought to rid me first of all the bitterness that I still have.
I gotta learn to believe again...
Im now saying goodbye to this blog of mine as I failed big time...I started this with the hope that I may rekindle the child in me,the hopeless romantic , always optimistic me and yet all I did was harbor/blog ill feelings and one negativity after another...after all it is only when Im utterly depressed that Im able to write ...
BUT I really dont wanna be depress anymore...

UNattach

2004-11-17T04:04:00.000-08:00

My friend say that I've become cynical ...

I dont believe her, I mean I maybe bitter sometimes but that doesn't necessarily make me cynical right?

I think it is such a strong word...all I am right now is UNattach... to anything related to romantic love...

I say UNattach because I dont think and feel love anywehere in me (the romantic type that is) I mean I am full of love for my family and my friends the people that cares about me and this is what keeps me going everyday....

UNattach as Im not looking for love, not in any way..I have just learn to UNlove a person who Ive been loving for the past three years...I mean I stopped loving him romantically I stopped longing to be with him and most of all I stopped hurting when I think about our past...that's all gone now.Even the sixth sense I used to have on him is slowly fading...

It made me realized that there is a thin line that separates obssession from deep connection with somebody.I saw wicker park with my friend the other day and I can totally relate to Josh's character when he said that "there is something about this house, it feels like she's been here" All along I thought that it was just me who feel that way its as if I feel his presence I seem to feel what he is feeling I even knew when he and his girl were starting to have problems..its weird I know but it happened I mean I can sense him even without really being with him...I may have been obssessing about wanting to be with him such that I have connected so much of myself to him that I tend to feel him in me...and yet now that we start to communicate again now that he is just within reach I can't feel him anymore Its as if I lose that connection...it makes me think that I might have just been imagining things ... and its mere coincidence that they actually happen...anyway, it doesn't matter now...

Now, that I am UNattach to love Im a bit worried Im not really sure if this is a good thing or not but its not like I chose to be UNattach it just happened..I guess that's how it is when you let go of something that you had for a long time in my case its my love for him that I let go and now Im not sure how to be not in love with him anymore ..it seems like my ability to love have shutdown...

Maybe I've reached the point where enough is enough..maybe right now Im just tired ...

Maybe this is my way of resting w/c I sooooooooo deserve after all these years...

I am not cynical.I am UNattach...I am on leave on love for now...

HaNgArOo...

2004-11-04T01:54:00.000-08:00

hmmm...medyo tagal ako di nakapag blog...gusto ko kasi sana eh masaya naman isulat ko dito para maiba...

halos lahat entry ko dito nagawa ko nung malungkot ako eh.at ngayon na feeling ko ay I am happy enough to blog eh di ko na pakakawalan pa yung pagkakataon...

bakit nga ba ako masaya kahit na for two days ay puyat ako at miss na miss ko na bed ko right now ... kasi nakasama ko cya ulit...oo cya na pilit kong kinakalimutan pero di ko pa din magawa gawa.

kanina habang magkatabi kami sa jeepney at nagwewentuhan sa ilang bagay sa nakaraan ay ligayang ligaya ako...hanggang ngayon eh naaliw pa din ako sa kanya pag nag wewento cya at dko mapigilan kungdi ngumiti lng at pakinggan ang bawat sabihin nya...parang ala ibang tao sa jeep nun kahi nga kapatid nya eh muntik ko na malimot na andun pala...hehe...

cguro nga mahal ko pa cya pero di nakatulad ng dati...sobrang saya ko pa din pag kasama ko cya at pag kausap ko cya pero alam ko sa loob loob ko na hanggang dito na lng talaga kami.

kita ko naman sa mga mata nya na malungkot cya...naiintindihan ko cya ganyan din ako nung iniwan nya ko eh naisip ko ako patapos na pagaling na sugat ko siya umpisa pa lng...

habang hinahanap ko mga kanta nya para sa kanilang dalawa na pinapahanap nya sakin at habang pinapanood ko cya na pilit na inaayos ang gulo nila , sa halip na masaktan ako dahil daw sa aking ka martiran ay mas lalo ko lang cya naiintindihan...ganun din naman ako sa kanya dati eh ginawa ko din naman lahat eh pero yun nga lng di ako ang pinili nya eh pero sa huli ala naman ako pinagsisihan kasi alam ko na he was worth it so sino ba ko para pigilan cya sa kung ano man nais nya gawin ngayon...kita ko naman na mahal nya eh...

kaya ko maging kaibigan nya medyo mahirap pero ayos lang...di na pede maging kami pero alam ko pede nya ko maging kaibigan...willing naman ako eh.sabi nga pag gusto may paraan pag ayaw may dahilan.

Cya: ei, ano ginawa mo para makalimutan mo ako dati?

AkO : eh sino naman nagsabi sau na nakalimutan na kita?

TGIF not!

2004-10-15T05:47:00.000-07:00

"You cant lose somebody you never really Had"

Just finished watching how to lose a guy in 10 days...Ive seen it before and I enjoyed it a lot enough for me to wanna see it again , though I cried a little at the end it kinda made me feel a little better and put me in a little senti mode...

I guess tonight I let myself drown in depression w/c Ive been trying hard to fight for over a week now or maybe Im just PMSing..I hope its the 2nd one cause I cant bear even the thought of me going through all that again... I mean I dont ever wanna feel that sad anymore but at the same time Im tired of pretending that Im completely ok and happy.

In one of my emails to london I was told that he'd wish people over there would be as happy as I sound...see I sound happy nad yet I cant feel it...

It is most probably because my source of happiness are only illusions and make believe..they are almost but not quite real...they are all wishful thinking ... and they can never ever happen...close to impossible that is w/c makes it all the more frustrating..it maybe why Ive been seeing things lately cause I always do...I tend to see things that are not really there...I thought Im seeing/ getting more but really Im getting nothing and Im left feeling numb...

That's how I deal with it.As soon as I feel even a pinch of a pain I shut down and feel nothing.

I refuse to feel pain that much that I kill it as soon as it comes and sometimes I even come to the point of giving it all up just cause of this fear of pain..its more of a phobia really... But I was (still is very much ) scared of water yet I tried banana boat in boracay and survived it but I still havent got the courage to learn how to swim...still not good enough...

I guess I better go now...I lose track of what I was suppose to be writing about as I got a text from HIM. the DREAM continues... nytynyt...

Im All That ;p

2004-10-12T03:38:00.000-07:00

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful.Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable.Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving.Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp.Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying.Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems.Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

SeCrEt WiNDoW

2004-09-28T04:02:00.000-07:00

Twas an ordinary day until she got that text from HIM.

Everything went blurry,her hands were cold and sweating , her brain shutdowns , her heart starts beating triple times, and she can hardly breathe...nothing else mattered but him...HIS message.

He opened the door to the Past when he asked her to the movie and she willingly enters the door that he has opened no matter how much she have tried to lock it and leave it all behind, yet one word from him and it is completely unlocked and again nothing else matters...

It was boredom for Him ..It was a Dream for Her.

It meant nothing to Him.It meant a LOT to Her.How she hoped that he meant to see her again.

It was almost like a game.He tries to see if he can still have Her. She lets Him have Her again...but then He never really wanted Her so He decides to disappear.

He was the drug she never ever was suppose to take...she had too much of Him before and it lead her to no good and yet now she wants some more of Him and not think of how much it might cost her this time....

He was her kryptonite...strong enough to make her completely insane and lose her mind...every ounce of reason and will she ever had she lets go completely ...

He turns her into this stupid little girl who seemed to have not learn anything at all...who inspite of everything he done to her she trust him and believe him and let him fool her again..over and over again...

Its over now.For now, She is back to her senses and is reminded of the promise she made to herself...

Tonight She sleeps... She ought to anyway as she wasted a whole night last night wandering into forbidden space...

this aint my love story...

2004-09-20T05:08:00.000-07:00

what would you do ?
a. If you knew that the love of your life is hurting right now...

They never really broke up.She just found somebody else and dint bother ever telling him..she just stopped calling, that's all.Could it be karma that lead them to end this way.Its actually how he broke your heart and now his heart is breaking and you cant stop but wonder if you can do anything at all to help him...

You now realized that the one he chose over you was never really who you thought she was.You've spent all these years thinking she were way better than you that he chose her inspite of you giving him everything...you learned that she is almost nothing compared to you and so you begin to understand how much he must have loved her and there is no way he can possibly love you as you are almost completely the opposite of the one he chose to love...

Sometimes you may blame yourself for you can never deny the fact that once or twice you have wished for them to break up... you fear that you might have wanted it bad enough...but you know too that whatever is meant to happen will happen eventually no matter how you try to keep them from happening...

So, now you think you got what you want...but you know that you have never wanted him to hurt as much as you did...you wish to spare him from it as much as possible and now wish that they could find a way to work it out... You sincerely hope they would ...

b. If you see and watch your bestfriend fall for somebody else...

You see how happy she makes him even though he tries to deny it.You see that he may be falling for her he just maybe scared...You understand that for the thought of falling in love scares the hell out of you...

But when you say that you are happy for him that he seem to finally found somebody..you really mean it..but then you feel an itsy bitsy pain knowing that SHE might change everything...he might not have as much time , though he promises that he still would spare some time for you.You think that you'll never have his sole attention and you'll most probably be lowest on his priorities...though you never really had his sole attention and you never ever really been at the top of his priorities before ...nuninuninuni...

Maybe you feel jealous of her..but not really..you just think its better and more fair if you, too, found somebody who would make you happy as much as she makes him happy...But as you've said before, sooner or later you would each find your "The ONE" it just so happen he found his sooner and yours comes in a little more later...

Sept 14

2004-09-14T01:13:00.000-07:00

from this day forward...things will go my way...yipeeee!!!!

this is the start of a new me...goodbye sweet embrace ...hello passionate kisses...

I long to be free from all the negative forces within me (i.e. bitterness, loneliness...etc...)

Today is a special day for me.Its like celebrating new year twice a year ... for me its every 1st of Jan and every 14th of Sept...w/c happens to be today!!! lalalalala...

I have made my ListS of Resolutions w/c I intend to keep and prepared both my long term and short term goals... I just need to keep my focus on the most important things in Life and I plan to make each day count...

How do I go about doing just that??? well, well... for starters I need to fully let go of my past by past I mean "he who must not be named" its been almost 3 years...its also been almost 3 years since I started this mini tradition of mine "the 2nd new year" its cause twas almost 3 years ago this day when I first swore to forget him...though I failed terribly for the past years I never lose HOPE and never gave up on ME..I can do it and I will this year...I know I can if I only just believe...

I also resolve to start thinking about my future w/c may seem a little too late but better late than never right? The future started when I finished college and its been 2 years ago and I haven't really done anything meaningful yet for my career... Its weird cause ideally I should have known what to do with my life when I started college and took up my course w/c I supposedly needed to reach my dream and do what I want to do , but strangely even till now Im still not sure as to what I want.

Im not complaining about my current job ...I love it here , the people, the environmet almost everything except that I can never really be fulfilled with it...It always leaves me wanting more...I guess I want a little more challenge ...when you already know your job so well its but normal to feel this way right? Besides I know that I always have things easy for me..i dont know if Im lucky or if I should consider this a blessing .. It scares me sometimes as I may have seem to be used to having things easy that I may not be able to deal with the more difficult task that will most probably come my way someday... But I know I can be really flexible and can adapt well to any given situation as long as the adjustments are feasible and not really out of this world...

What Im really trying to say is that I wish to be stronger than I am now or at least test myself on how strong I really am..push myself to the limits and no matter how much of a scaredy cat I am i long to be fearless and try to not shy away from obstacles or difficulties. Im no masochist ,I long to feel pain,difficulties,suffering and challenges not for the sake of feeling them but because of the lessons I may learn from them.

I too long to have passion. The drive that comes form within myself that'll keep me going until I get what I want. As the youngest and only girl Im using to getting things my way in a bratty kind of way but now I wanna be able to work hard to get everyhting I want and feel proud to have them knowing that I did my best and that Im worthy and deserving of all of them whatever they maybe...I just gotta figure out what I really really really want....

"when you want something bad enough the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve it"

you just gotta want it bad!!!

WaiTiNg In VaiN...

2004-09-09T03:39:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching Ella Enchanted.Its a good movie...I have always loved fairytales and I must admit Im a sucker for romantic comedy even the teeny bopper ones...But after seeing the notebook last Sunday (w/c by far is the greatest love story I've ever seen in my entire life, w/c is really not that long yet..hehe) Yep, I still have "the notebook fever" I even dream about my favorite scenes from the movie. Its just that it was really able to capture the great love that they have for each other...it fully depicted the real love between Noah and Allie...That "magical thing" that we all long to have...I just cant help but wonder "where art thou my noah?"

This movie really got into me that it made me believe that TRUE love do exists and its something worth waiting for.The HOPE that I had years ago w/c died the day I got my heart badly broken seems to come back to me.I have always been a hopeless romantic and a great believer of love ever since a kid and no matter how many times Ive hurt before I always almost immediately get the courage to stand up again dream, believe and survive (starstruck!!! ;p ) BUT this I was unable to do the last time I got hurt... and Sadly that took away all the hopes I ever had for a happy ever after and it even left me bitter...

But as they say "time heals all wounds..." it just somehow took a longer time for this wound to heal.It is healed and yet I'm unable to move on let alone let go of "our past" the good ones.I have managed to eliminate all the bad memories of him and have somehow retained only the good ones and unfortunately these are the ones that keeps me holding on. I have wrongly equated great happiness to being with him that I just cant give it all up.I feel like Im gonna lose a big part of me if I completely let go...besides I really am not sure I wanna know what comes next after letting go...Am I strong enough to move on? These are the fears that haunts me for a long time now.And now that I somehow convinced myself that he and his girl had broken up (still haven't confirm it yet) I suddenly felt tired of hurting..and have decided to finally put an end to my waiting....It seems to late for me to give it up after all these years that I've wasted doing so right? But I have always thought and still believe that HE was worth the wait. But now that I have a stronger grasp with reality I know that Ive been really waitng for nothing...what's the sense in that right? So now, after 2 years four months 4 days and after a million times of me swearing to forget him I'm swearing again and this time I mean to keep it...

I would just like to share the following LINES from the movie that really HIT me...

"I have loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough..."

- Noah Calhoun

"that's what we do , we fight , you tell me when Im being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are being a pain in the ass which you are 99% of the time...
so its not gonna be easy its gonna be really hard but we are gonna work it out everyday cause I want all of you forever, you and me everyday..."

-Noah Calhoun

*** the soundtrack of the movie is playing on the background as I write this entry...

mY sTiTcH

2004-09-06T03:34:00.000-07:00

let me introduce you to my dear stitch...This is how I choose to call my guy bestfriend as he is one of a kind , out of this world type of a guy (who I love dearly) but can really be a pain in my non existent ass!!! grrr!!!!

He refuse to talk to me now for I may have offended him a little..well, its his fault he got offended he knows I meant no harm...he hates it when I get sensitive on him now look who's being overly sensitive...grrrrrrr!!!! or maybe Im just having another PMS attack and he has always been my outlet (unwillingy but always at the receiving end) of such attacks that I have...w/c I reckon he should be used to by now considering I have it once a month ...

I am really not making sense am I? Im just upset that's all.After all the arguments, walk outs and silent treatment, exchange of harsh words we had for the past year Im still not comfortable and still feel bad everytime we fight no matter how little / petty it may be.Well, maybe cause I never really get into arguments with other people as often as I do with him... We dint talk to each other for almost a whole week last week for no reason at all...maybe we just dint feel like talking to each other but when we met for dinner last friday the whole week of no talking have been forgotten and we caught up and talked about each other's week... I even think he missed me as he asked me for a hug w/c he normally refuse to do....we had another one of our many good talkS until he had 2 bottles of strong ice and started to talk about US again...

We have stopped talking about it ever since we made up after our month long no communication phase because of the confusion that those kind of talks gave me...I really think we are better off not talking about it anyway but when he gets alcohol in his system he always have to start them...

so again he asked me what I was to do if he courts me as always I respond to him witn my ever famous play safe line...Ill think about it....he insisted that I should stop trying to play safe and just admit that Ill say yes to him..so to shut him up (and knowing me ;p) I just said he is right Id most likely say yes and then end up regretting it. He said that he had always been considering me to be his girl but then again he also considers every girl he dates so I cant really see anything special in there...

He doesn't know that as much as I enjoy having this talk and being flattered by him (in short bola) when he gets into this type of mood I also hate it at the same time as I have asked him to stop thinking of me that way.I want him to just see me as friend, enough of these kind of thoughts, we are doing great as friends and I really cant afford to lose a friend like him...He have got to stop doing that to me...It only confuses me and its a little unfair to me. I hope I can make him understand how important this is for me...

I just want us to be friends ... for friendship is one sure thing that lasts...

ScHiZo Me...

2004-09-02T03:48:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling a little schizo for the past few days...

ever since I learned that he and his gf are having problems up to the day his sister requested for the lyrics of a "getting over song" and after seeing on friendster that his gf is single...these schizo state of mine started...

Its probably just my own doing that I lately seem to feel the pain of a freshly broken heart ... all the bitterness that comes with it etc...It was such a strong pain that Ive never felt so long...(considering Ive been healing myself for more than 2 years now) so when I started to feel this at night everytime I go home from work up to the time I finally fall asleep I find it rather weird...I was thinking that maybe the "sixth sense" I have on him is taking over me, that I too now can feel his pain...weird huh? Im used to feeling very uneasy before I go to his sis' place only to find out that Ill be seeing him there ... oh well, must be really still "attached" to him...But this time its a little weird Im not even sure if he is in pain or hurting right now I dont have the guts to confirm it to him... and yet I feel this way. L.L. said that maybe Im losing my mind and going crazy... maybe...but whatever it is Im going through right now I hope that it ends ASAP...I cant take it anymore...I was up late last night praying hard for me to stop hurting already...sure enough HE heard my prayers and I finally slept rather peacefully and woke up feeling splendid...I felt light and so eager to start my day...

I did have a fine day as I dint have any of the schizo attack and was just simply feeling my own pain...and PMS...been a little cranky to my big brother again and was easily irritated... Still not making up with my friends who are not even aware that we are on a fight...hehe...I dint really wanna make a big deal out of it so I rather keep my anger and disappointment on them on my own and wait until it subsides and then Ill be ready to meet them again as if nothing happened...I just worry cause Ive never been this upset before (i.e. Ive never been able to last 2 weeks let alone a day w/o texting or popping them) ...

It just might be one of those "weeks" that I feel like being alone ...specially now that Im having quasi schizo attacks its best that I stay away from the people I care about (except the people here in the office as I still need to work and be with them anyway) .I somehow set up a wall to shield me from anybody who is capable of hurting me as I am really really hurting right now and i dont want any more of that.Just a part of me that is, the other part of me ..the real ME is doing good. I just need to rid myself of this bitter half or mine...

wish me luck ok?

nytynyt ...

RaInDrOpS

2004-08-26T03:02:00.000-07:00

rain...rain..go away...Little Lilo wants to play...
I really ...really ...really hate rainy days.
It feels sooooooo gloomy and basically you have no choice but stay inside.

Of course I'd most probably feel different if I have somebody special with me, as i'd then be willing to play and have fun in the rain with him...share a very small umbrella or his big jacket , or we could stay inside and cuddle for as long as we want ... yeah, Im a sucker for romance...but who isn't right???

Its a good sign anyway, that I dint totally lose the romantic lunatic in me amidst the bitterness that I've harbored inside for the past 2 years ( and counting....)

You got that right, the first thing you have to know about me is that Ive been mending a broken heart for the longest time now.. and still is unable to fully let go and move on. I blame it on the "first love syndrome" why does it have to be that special ???

to be continued...