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September 2004
October 2004
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December 2004
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"There's always that one personThat will always have your heart..."
so goes the song and for the longest time I thought that my one person mentioned above is HIM..but lately, ever since we started talking again and after that "smack from the past" I sense that I start to feel less and less for him...love do fades...even lovers fall out of love in time so does unrequited love...In my case my eyes were suddenly opened to the fact that all I ever have with him is physical connection and the fact that Im close to her sister, there's no love, emotions involve on his part , it is rather meaningless and Im not into that...not anymore. I told my friend that id rather not have physical intimacy than have meaningless gestures from him...specially not from him.
maybe I got tired of waiting maybe I have fully accepted the fact that it doesn't matter anymore.Im not so sure...
Im reminded of a bus ride I had with a friend back when I was still job hunting and still hurting so much from the break up...she said that one day I'll wake up and feel that its all over that I'll be surprised but in a good way..I remember saying and feeling that its rather impossible as I feel so much for him..I dint see this possible at all...but right now I see it and I feel it...all it really needs is time.
Now Im starting to get used to the fact that I maybe over him...it seemed like my heart shut down as for the longest time I only know and feel of love through my love for him and now that its gone I seem to feel nothing...I guess its a lot of getting used to after holding on for a long time and now finally letting go , seems weird...being ok about it all seem rather new for me...
I feel like a big part of me is lost...but I rather lose that part of me that is forever hurting at the sight or smell of his perfume even if it means feeling numb and empty for some time. I reckon this must be a phase that each have to go through...I think thats why they call falling in love as magic as it makes you feel all those sorts of feelings that you wont normally feel when you are on your own no matter how happy you maybe for happiness can only be complete when you share it with someone...
What comes next for me now ? Im not sure... A new blog w/c Im currently working on ... but whatever it is I ought to rid me first of all the bitterness that I still have.
I gotta learn to believe again...
Im now saying goodbye to this blog of mine as I failed big time...I started this with the hope that I may rekindle the child in me,the hopeless romantic , always optimistic me and yet all I did was harbor/blog ill feelings and one negativity after another...after all it is only when Im utterly depressed that Im able to write ...
BUT I really dont wanna be depress anymore...
My friend say that I've become cynical ...
I dont believe her, I mean I maybe bitter sometimes but that doesn't necessarily make me cynical right?
I think it is such a strong word...all I am right now is UNattach... to anything related to romantic love...
I say UNattach because I dont think and feel love anywehere in me (the romantic type that is) I mean I am full of love for my family and my friends the people that cares about me and this is what keeps me going everyday....
UNattach as Im not looking for love, not in any way..I have just learn to UNlove a person who Ive been loving for the past three years...I mean I stopped loving him romantically I stopped longing to be with him and most of all I stopped hurting when I think about our past...that's all gone now.Even the sixth sense I used to have on him is slowly fading...
It made me realized that there is a thin line that separates obssession from deep connection with somebody.I saw wicker park with my friend the other day and I can totally relate to Josh's character when he said that "there is something about this house, it feels like she's been here" All along I thought that it was just me who feel that way its as if I feel his presence I seem to feel what he is feeling I even knew when he and his girl were starting to have problems..its weird I know but it happened I mean I can sense him even without really being with him...I may have been obssessing about wanting to be with him such that I have connected so much of myself to him that I tend to feel him in me...and yet now that we start to communicate again now that he is just within reach I can't feel him anymore Its as if I lose that connection...it makes me think that I might have just been imagining things ... and its mere coincidence that they actually happen...anyway, it doesn't matter now...
Now, that I am UNattach to love Im a bit worried Im not really sure if this is a good thing or not but its not like I chose to be UNattach it just happened..I guess that's how it is when you let go of something that you had for a long time in my case its my love for him that I let go and now Im not sure how to be not in love with him anymore ..it seems like my ability to love have shutdown...
Maybe I've reached the point where enough is enough..maybe right now Im just tired ...
Maybe this is my way of resting w/c I sooooooooo deserve after all these years...
I am not cynical.I am UNattach...I am on leave on love for now...
hmmm...medyo tagal ako di nakapag blog...gusto ko kasi sana eh masaya naman isulat ko dito para maiba...
halos lahat entry ko dito nagawa ko nung malungkot ako eh.at ngayon na feeling ko ay I am happy enough to blog eh di ko na pakakawalan pa yung pagkakataon...
bakit nga ba ako masaya kahit na for two days ay puyat ako at miss na miss ko na bed ko right now ... kasi nakasama ko cya ulit...oo cya na pilit kong kinakalimutan pero di ko pa din magawa gawa.
kanina habang magkatabi kami sa jeepney at nagwewentuhan sa ilang bagay sa nakaraan ay ligayang ligaya ako...hanggang ngayon eh naaliw pa din ako sa kanya pag nag wewento cya at dko mapigilan kungdi ngumiti lng at pakinggan ang bawat sabihin nya...parang ala ibang tao sa jeep nun kahi nga kapatid nya eh muntik ko na malimot na andun pala...hehe...
cguro nga mahal ko pa cya pero di nakatulad ng dati...sobrang saya ko pa din pag kasama ko cya at pag kausap ko cya pero alam ko sa loob loob ko na hanggang dito na lng talaga kami.
kita ko naman sa mga mata nya na malungkot cya...naiintindihan ko cya ganyan din ako nung iniwan nya ko eh naisip ko ako patapos na pagaling na sugat ko siya umpisa pa lng...
habang hinahanap ko mga kanta nya para sa kanilang dalawa na pinapahanap nya sakin at habang pinapanood ko cya na pilit na inaayos ang gulo nila , sa halip na masaktan ako dahil daw sa aking ka martiran ay mas lalo ko lang cya naiintindihan...ganun din naman ako sa kanya dati eh ginawa ko din naman lahat eh pero yun nga lng di ako ang pinili nya eh pero sa huli ala naman ako pinagsisihan kasi alam ko na he was worth it so sino ba ko para pigilan cya sa kung ano man nais nya gawin ngayon...kita ko naman na mahal nya eh...
kaya ko maging kaibigan nya medyo mahirap pero ayos lang...di na pede maging kami pero alam ko pede nya ko maging kaibigan...willing naman ako eh.sabi nga pag gusto may paraan pag ayaw may dahilan.
Cya: ei, ano ginawa mo para makalimutan mo ako dati?
AkO : eh sino naman nagsabi sau na nakalimutan na kita?
"You cant lose somebody you never really Had"
Just finished watching how to lose a guy in 10 days...Ive seen it before and I enjoyed it a lot enough for me to wanna see it again , though I cried a little at the end it kinda made me feel a little better and put me in a little senti mode...
I guess tonight I let myself drown in depression w/c Ive been trying hard to fight for over a week now or maybe Im just PMSing..I hope its the 2nd one cause I cant bear even the thought of me going through all that again... I mean I dont ever wanna feel that sad anymore but at the same time Im tired of pretending that Im completely ok and happy.
In one of my emails to london I was told that he'd wish people over there would be as happy as I sound...see I sound happy nad yet I cant feel it...
It is most probably because my source of happiness are only illusions and make believe..they are almost but not quite real...they are all wishful thinking ... and they can never ever happen...close to impossible that is w/c makes it all the more frustrating..it maybe why Ive been seeing things lately cause I always do...I tend to see things that are not really there...I thought Im seeing/ getting more but really Im getting nothing and Im left feeling numb...
That's how I deal with it.As soon as I feel even a pinch of a pain I shut down and feel nothing.
I refuse to feel pain that much that I kill it as soon as it comes and sometimes I even come to the point of giving it all up just cause of this fear of pain..its more of a phobia really... But I was (still is very much ) scared of water yet I tried banana boat in boracay and survived it but I still havent got the courage to learn how to swim...still not good enough...
I guess I better go now...I lose track of what I was suppose to be writing about as I got a text from HIM. the DREAM continues... nytynyt...
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful.Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable.Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving.Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp.Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying.Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems.Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. |
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Twas an ordinary day until she got that text from HIM. Everything went blurry,her hands were cold and sweating , her brain shutdowns , her heart starts beating triple times, and she can hardly breathe...nothing else mattered but him...HIS message. He opened the door to the Past when he asked her to the movie and she willingly enters the door that he has opened no matter how much she have tried to lock it and leave it all behind, yet one word from him and it is completely unlocked and again nothing else matters... It was boredom for Him ..It was a Dream for Her. It meant nothing to Him.It meant a LOT to Her.How she hoped that he meant to see her again. It was almost like a game.He tries to see if he can still have Her. She lets Him have Her again...but then He never really wanted Her so He decides to disappear. He was the drug she never ever was suppose to take...she had too much of Him before and it lead her to no good and yet now she wants some more of Him and not think of how much it might cost her this time.... He was her kryptonite...strong enough to make her completely insane and lose her mind...every ounce of reason and will she ever had she lets go completely ... He turns her into this stupid little girl who seemed to have not learn anything at all...who inspite of everything he done to her she trust him and believe him and let him fool her again..over and over again... Its over now.For now, She is back to her senses and is reminded of the promise she made to herself... Tonight She sleeps... She ought to anyway as she wasted a whole night last night wandering into forbidden space... |
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DREAM OF ME
